Journey 31

Ahhh man what can I say..I am now 31! I’m very thankful and grateful to have made it through year 30 and to see year 31. Just thinking back, I get emotional because I really have grown through so much. Chapter 30 has been the most interesting year thus far. It came with a plethora of accomplishments along with some unwanted hurdles I had to cross. I had to go through a purposeful isolation process. In that process I had to unlearn certain behaviors: behaviors from past relationships and even behaviors based off tradition or religion.

I was in a place where it was just me and God. It was a beautiful place. Yet, it was hard and painful. If anyone has gone through an isolation process then you know it’s a very difficult process. If I’m honest, there were plenty of times where I doubted God. I questioned the season I was in. But in order for me to have gotten to the next level, there were things that God needed to purge from me. Things like insecurities, comparison, fear and issues from previous relationships that I never dealt with or I felt weren’t an issue any longer. Boy was I wrong.

But in the end result of that process, I was able to walk out on faith and boldness to further my career by applying for a job that I felt I was not qualified for. But God!!!! He’s faithful!!

I was able to go forth and host my first event (Beautified). In the midst of that I was able to connect with an old friend who was a tremendous blessing in helping me with the event. SN: God will send you everything you need when you’re obedient. Also because of my obedience I was able to connect and plan for future events with other women with similar goals. So stay tuned 🙂

So the purpose of Beautified: It focuses on self love. It’s about being yourself and loving yourself wholeheartedly. It encourages different. Love your different! Own your different! It’s about accountability. It’s about removing the mask and this persona that we keep up for the public eye. Let’s get Beautified!!!!! That was so corny..Lolol…but seriously….never mind….moving on….

Because of the purging and the isolation, I have a new found confidence that only came from God. I’m able to accept all of me. Not just the cool, laid back me but the awkward, weird me. The corny me. The music loving me. The tom-boyish me. The unbalanced in the gym me…ya’ll get the drift. Lol.

God shows me what love is on a daily. Because of that and my confidence in Him, I’m becoming a better woman, daughter, sister and friend. I’m seeing myself as Christ sees me. Of course there is still work to be done but I’m learning to love others through the lens of Him. I’m learning more about the intent of relationship and what it supposed to be. All in all I’m learning about life and I’m learning to live it the way it’s intended.

I’m humble, I’m thankful, I’m blessed and I’m still becoming…Journey to 31.

Love

So simple yet so complicated. Levels. Requirements. Sacrifice. God has me in a humbling stage where I feel like I have to go back and repeat a process. He’s teaching love and it does not feel good. When you think of love, you think happiness, kindness, smiles and pure joy. Nope!!!! This level of love endures. It suffers long. It does not seek its own. Bears all things. Believe and hope all things.

My idea of love has been misconstrued. My love was contingent on receiving the same type of love. So it was conditional. One thing we all know is everyone is different. So that means the way I love someone does not mean I will receive the same in return. We can easily become offended if we don’t understand this. I know I’ve gotten offended because I never considered the fact that people love differently. I never considered the upbringing of a person because that also affects the way a person loves.

Love is rush or is it love is patient? Patience has not been my strongest characteristic. Remember that love endures. Part of that enduring is patience. When you want to fix what’s broken or when you want to change your situation but God tells you to be still, that’s enduring. I’m a “fixer” so if you’re anything like me, you want to hurry the process and fix things because God is taking too long. Why feel the pain or frustration longer than you have to? Well this enduring is teaching us to not count on our own ability, but God’s power and strength.

Love suffers long. Yeaaaa so about this part…. I wish you can see my eyes roll. To love when you know you wont receive anything back in return, I’m here now. To show kindness no matter how you’re treated, Yep I’m here now. Normally I would say forget it, be prideful and walk away. But the suffering is breaking something in me. I can honestly say I’m slow to react to things. I think long and hard before I respond. When I want to retaliate, I just walk away. This is no easy task. There’s nights when I cry because loving people can be hard and I just want to be done with the whole process. But I can’t. Love is the way.

Relationship

building-relationships

Relationships have a way of showing you yourself. It points out your flaws and even insecurities. This is the perfect time to self-reflect. Have you ever asked yourself, why do I respond this way? Why do I do things this way? Why do I have this habit or why am I the way I am? These are good questions to ask yourself in sense of self reflecting. ALL relationships require self-reflecting. It is a sign of growth. It’s personal development. Self-reflecting causes you to develop compassion for yourself despite your defects. It’s also part of the healing process. But be careful not to get so caught up in your thoughts that you defeat the purpose of self-reflecting. I’ve been guilty of this that’s why I can warn you. 🙂

I’m passionate about love and relationships. I just love, love. I love to see it and I love to talk about it. But in the same breath experiences has shaped me to operate against love and relationships. Bad relationships, bad advice, childhood experiences and my relationship with my dad all had an effect and view on love and relationships. There were certain challenging relationship moments that would trigger negative emotions. Once I felt those emotions, at times, I would control it and other times I would respond off impulse. So, for me, emotions have been that flaw when it’s not used in a delightful way. Responding off impulse, allowing thoughts and emotions to control your actions are both detrimental to your relationship! When you respond in that way, it does neither party any good. In fact matters are made worse. Take it from me…

“Your mind is your instrument. Learn to be its master and not its slave.”– Remez Sasson

It’s easier said than done. Knowing this and actually practicing it are totally two different things. But what good is it to know it if you’re not going to abide in it?

Putting what I know into action, I’ve been meditating on two scriptures.

  • 2 Corinthians 10:5 “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ”
  • James 1:19 “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”

Let’s dig a little deeper shall we… In order to overcome we have to get to the root cause first. For me trust was the root cause. My relationship with God is important to me. I believe everything starts with God. However, my ability to believe God in doing what He said He would do lacked in the area of relationship. So there was a conflict. Why did I not trust God with relationship? Well we know that God is many things but in the bible God is referenced as “He” ….Father, Husband and King. My encounters and trusting of men were not the best. Hence, the negative emotions and impulsive responses. And because God is referenced as “He”, I placed the stigma of man on to God. Which resulted in me not trusting Him in that area. Once I understood, I’ve asked God to show me how to trust Him. Show me how to heal from all the negative impacts and not rush the process. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I still mess up. One minute I trust God and the next I’m taking matters into my own hands. Its definitely a working progress. But I’m learning.

So my advice would be.. get your relationship with God right first. Get down to the root cause. Allow him heal you in those hurt areas and not rush the process. Even for the ones who are in relationships, it’s never too late to be a better you for you and for your relationship.

P.S. Take something out of every relationship even in the bad ones. There’s always something shining bright in darkness.